Dear New Liverpool Manager,

Congratulations on your new appointment and welcome to your 12 month probationary period!

Before you look about the place and get to work, we’d like to remind you of certain contractual obligations that we, Fenway Sports Group, have set in place for the long term. These are not subject to negotiation.

Firstly, under no circumstances should you attempt to win trophies. No. The domestic cup competitions are fine for running round Wembley and ensuring that the customers get a nice day out (or three), but silverware means nothing to us at FSG, so don’t waste valuable resources putting shiny things in cabinets. That is not what FSG is about. Equally, tiresome trips to Europe are not to be encouraged, as they take the team away from the club’s main priority which is as follows:

Fourth place in the League.

Only fourth will suffice. Should this target be reached, we will run around the pitch a lot and congratulate ourselves at the untapped global sponsorship opportunities. You will not be expected to win this, or any other competition as it is only financial reward the club seeks. Our customers may disagree with this but we know what’s best. Ten years of fourth place will promote FSG enormously. Stick to your remit.

Next up: controversy. We don’t like it. Be warned that if a thorny issue comes up involving the FA and a repugnant social topic, we will do all we can to remain where we are, an ocean away and lend no support or guidance. If there’s a witch hunt to be had, we would rather you be the lightning rod for the club rather than lower our hand into a controversy that may tarnish the FSG Group and, to a much lesser extent, the LFC crest.

It is also only fair to warn you that it is unlikely that you will have any immediate staff. We like to dismiss as many people as possible, so you’ll have no one to report to, no one to speak for you and no one to authorise your transfer fees. We will be bringing in a Director of Football at some point once we’ve learned a) what that actually is, and b) who’s good in football.

Do not be discouraged by customer dissatisfaction. Our last guy is the only person in history to win the three domestic competitions as both a player and a manager, so the gang really liked him but a few people booed him when FSG drew games at home, so if they booed him, boy, you’re gonna catch hell. We’ll spin this as best we can when things get tough by filming a short corporate video and send Linda to smile in the Main Stand.

Oh, and be careful about Hillsborough. There’s a memorial service on 15^th April every year so make sure you don’t miss it. Sadly, FSG had to miss it last year as the Red Sox were playing. Fair’s fair.

Good luck! We’ll be over to visit you if we get a minute. Rest assured that if you don’t hear from us – you’re in a great deal of trouble.

Finally, if you know of any other managers who would be interested in working for Fenway Group FC from June 2013 onwards, feel free to forward his CV.

Yours,

Get someone to sign this.

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